Today started with a little bit of light headache. But, nothing to worry cause it was due to the lack of sleep.

Today goes by too fast and my energy level has not been charged. It's draining faster than it recovered. I would like to take a day off just to sleep. But, it's not worth it. So, just go with the flow. 

The work day suppose to end with me training. But nope, it ends with feeling overwhelm and crying in the car. By listening to the sad song. 

It's been too long from my last cry. Ahahha... I think I needed one. And that cry was not that bad. Except the headache after each cry. 

And now, I'm writing this just to make sure I am okay and my ommpa lommpa can function for the rest of the day. 

Missed the feeling of having someone to care about and cared by. Hope I can survive and probably found my partner in crime. 

Feeling is the beautiful thing but also the hardest thing to handle. 

Experience thought me to look for the better view and always have the positive side on everything that happens. 

It's midnight and I can't sleep. Suddenly, I have this weird feeling. It's kinda anxiety or anxious... I don't know.

Something happened at the office today and it strikes me hard. I felt mad, angry, disappointed and mostly speechless. Seems like I can't even do a simple thing. Is it my fault cause I do what is not mine? Is it my fault for not saying No? Is it my fault that I just follow orders? I feel so useless right now. Everything goes to me never ends well. It seems like it. Or It felt that way.

It feels like everyone need to redo on what I do cause I messed it up.

I feel betrayed by my own team and I feel so alone. Although it didn't really look like it. It just felt that way. 

I am disappointed.. Why don't u give this to the person that should be doing it. Why did u make me do it?? Why should I take the blame? Why there is no one take the blame??? Among all the one I go through. Why me that should be the villain? Am I so easy to be bullied? Is it fun to bully other people?

It's hurt and now I don't have anyone to talk too. Cause it's weekend and everyone got their own plans. I'm not gonna ruin it by pouring a black cloud with heavy rain on it. It will be selfish right?

I need my cat now. My tears won't stop and my head hurts cause I have to hold the crying and the runny nose. 

I don't know how to be a functioning human being. It is like running around without no ending. Never end routine.

2024 will end soon. And I'm in the third cycle of 12th. And I did not accomplish anything... 

My PE report have not finish

My trading acc in 90% loss

My emotion is numb or haywire (single) 

My cc debt is 90% max

My saving is decreasing

My cats haven't seen their vet this year

My car is more than 10 years old

I don't have any property 

My BMI is too high 

My life is a mess

I'm living in circle. Don't know where to go and what to do. 

Not sure what help do I need.. 

Don't know If I need help.. 

If I were to leave the earth this time.. I don't think I'm ready.. There is so much I want to achieve.. 

I want to have financial freedom. Don't have to work 8 to 5.. 

I want to bring my family to umrah or vacation.. My mum prefer umrah. 

I want to have new car

I want to have proper sanctuary for my beloved cat

I want to make my mum and dad happy and healthy 

I want to be fit and energetic

I want to have a partner in crime for anything

I want to ensure my soul got its food

I want to finish my PE report and get that engineer acknowledgement

I want to be able to help anyone in need

There is so much I want to do and there is so many obstacles that I have to face. 

Ya Allah, help this tiny broken human to fix her life and achieve her dreams. Help her to be strong to fight her own self. Help her to be able make her parents proud of her. Help her in anyway possible. Guide her. Let her always be in ur blessing.. 

My tears stopped already and I kinda sleepy. Hope my oompa oompa get the peace by writing it down and cry. 

Till we meet again. Not sure when.. 

Manis.... are you okay... why don't you eat your breakfast and dinner...

and you didn't even move when the car drove beside you...

when i pick you up, you seem grumpy.. and wont stop meowing.. im worried.. 

but then, you choose to just loaf on my bed.. i don't even see you groom today..

😔😔😔 Manis, pls be ok. 

No one perfect. including me. i am just a tiny human that trying to survive in this cruel world.

How and what can I do if I am keeping to feel guilty on myself. Is it feeling guilty..? I dont know either.

Just assume that feeling is a guilt and That feeling always. always eat me alive. always swing my mood. always sent the black cloud with lightning out of the blue. 

I cant live with this feeling everytime 'the lightning' strike. I'm gonna loose myself. I am not saying I am right. but am I wrong..? 

Sometimes, I dont know what's wrong with me. why cant I think about anything with clear mind... I guess I have to start exercise and do some training for my mental health. 

Whenever I felt the guilt. Overthinking wil come and make thing worse. There are times I think I let my Ego to do the speaking. and as everyone knows what happens when Ego take charge.

Along the way, I realise some points can trigger me. First, if I am too tired and lack of motivation on anything. 2nd, if its regarding what I like to do. 3rd, if I think they assuming things on what happens. 4th, not sure what, sometimes anything can b a trigger.

Please, I'm tired of this feeling, how can I stop feeling this way. I want to be happy and makes people happy, not the other way around.

I love all the people around me, I want to be this cool and chill person as I used to be. I think. 

As usual, I will have this episode of emotion breakdown. And this episode hit me hard.. but not really, it just enough making me wanted to cry.

This wil always. always happens if there is a miscommunication between others. I hate it so much when there is a moment when I know I'm hurting someone. regardless of direct or indirect action of mine.

When the moment passed, I will have this rage  inside me that saying 'what have you done!!'. Then, everything just fell apart.

Seems like I am still at failed on controlling the mood swing or the rush of emotion when I'm having one. I am just a failure.. I am the worst.. I don't know anything.. I can't even understand myself.

However, this shall pass as the usual way it is. and as for now.. i just want to be in my cave together with all my furbabies.. so, adios. astalavista. 

It's been a while now.... I missed the moment. the feeling of togetherness. feeling of not being alone. i hope this is just a moment for some feeling to be felt and not something that i will crave later. although it felt like it. 

I hate it when I dont feel good about myself. Because I knew other things also affected. However, dont put the oil into the fire if you dont want the fire. put water instead. and some people just dont know how to just keep quiet.

Cant blame anyone cause the creature called homosapien never get enough. They never stop complaining and overthinking or worse.. presumption in anyway possible.

I dont like feeling like this. its tiring. its not that I choose to feel this way. give me space. give me moment. give me my time for me to digest things. I want some small amout of myself. Dont question why am I doing and not doing. 

Ask properly.. read the room. I am not teenager anymore. Am I wrong here? I couldn't have some moment of myself for me to just linger around. I've been thinking to get my own place. but... there is always a but. i dont want a 'but' when I am going to get myself of my own..

I love my cats. a lot. I've been spending more to my cats than anybody else. They give me clarity. They just want my love... They just want to cuddle.. They are innocent living creatures. I love them from back to the moon.

Things happened for a reason. Don't question why it happened just go with the flow. Things that happened might be giving you memories or something to learn from. Nothing is a waste. Take it although it is bitter than you can swallowed. everything in the mind..

Please be respectful towards other people's feeling and dont just assume things that yet to happen. If its happened, it happened. I will deal with it. if its not. just let it.

I feel very sleepy after writing this down. the rage feeling i felt also been tame down. I think I have to be writing to manage my inner rage that constantly come up without warning.

I just need to nap for 10 mins and I hope I will be okay after that. 

bye.