I don't know how to say it so, I wrote it down. It might be cliché, but it's me trying.. 

Dear My Beloved Friend,

I’ve been sitting with a lot of thoughts lately, and I just want to be honest, quietly, without pressure, and from the heart.

Something between us has felt different, and maybe you’ve felt it too. Or maybe it’s just me. I’m not sure. I don’t fully understand what changed, and I won’t pretend I have all the right words. I just know that I’ve truly valued the moments we’ve shared, your trust, your stories, your presence. They all meant something to me.

If there’s anything I said or did that ever made you feel uncomfortable or judged, I’m truly sorry. That was never my intention. I care.. and maybe I showed it in the wrong way… or maybe just at the wrong time. Plus, I admit I’m a bit of a joker deep inside.

I also know you might be going through a lot right now, and I believe that’s true. I sincerely hope you’re finding small moments of peace and strength for yourself. I know you’re strong.

I’m not writing this to ask for anything or make things heavier.. no expectations, no answers needed. I just wanted to express how I feel, and to let you know that I care. I’ll respect whatever space you need.

I don’t want to be another pressure in your life. But I want you to know, if you ever need me, whenever, whether now, later, or even just in thought.. I’m still here, and I always will be.

Thank you for the sweet moments. Especially when you called me your new BFF, I smiled from ear to ear like the Cheshire Cat. That meant a lot.

I hope this isn’t a goodbye, just the beginning of something new.

I’ll be okay. And I hope you will too.

Your dearest weird friend,

What is emotion...

Why is emotion very complicated... 

How does emotion works... 

When will emotion strike.. 

Who can control the emotion.. 

All the questions above has diff answers by diff people. For me, emotion is feeling that you can feel and recognise by ur brain. Emotion is complicated because there a lot of emotion. And this emotion can merge and become another emotion. It works when someone has been triggered by certain things which can lead for the person to feel the emotion. The thing that triggered can be from any event in the past, present or the future. And this emotion will strike when it's been suppress for quite sometimes. Just like volcano. But, if has been trained and managed properly, it won't explode as the volcano. Last question is about, who... Not many people can control the emotion, especially the babies, youngster.. For adult, some can and some cannot control their emotion. The issues come when the emotion is out of control. It can be over sad, over anger, over etc. etc. I'm not sure what else. 

And me, sometimes I failed to control and it overwhelmed my brain. As for now, my brain is overwhelming with the issues at the office today. And the question like 'did I upset her with my sentences' 'why did she act differently' and many other possible questions.

Apparently, I was the fall asleep while writing this post. Never got to the conclusion. It is what it is. 

Recently, I think it is true that I have issues with attachment.

No reply, No assurance, No update, just give my ommpa lommpa restless. The feeling of not knowing and the waiting game hurts me.

This one person which I just knew.. Also give an impact to me. It's just felt that I have to know what happened, and are they doing ok. But, its not really about are they OK or not, it's just... I need to know the condition whether busy, free, got something, attend wedding, family time, or etc. 

I just felt ignored, if I didn't know. I mean, it feels like leftover, outsider. 

Apart from the waiting game, it only apply to certain people which I thought is important as I thought they be. I'm not gonna wait if I got a little update earlier. It satisfied my ommpa lommpa if I knew. 

Feeling ignored is the worst if it's by the person you care about. I'm not gonna say love cause it's gonna hurt a bit more. (crying silently) 

It's maybe true that I need a therapist for my issues. 

p/s: please don't let my heart hurt. If you not gonna give me the little update, do not make me wants it. Don't give me all the color in the rainbow if you only can give me the black and white.. |

 

Today started with a little bit of light headache. But, nothing to worry cause it was due to the lack of sleep.

Today goes by too fast and my energy level has not been charged. It's draining faster than it recovered. I would like to take a day off just to sleep. But, it's not worth it. So, just go with the flow. 

The work day suppose to end with me training. But nope, it ends with feeling overwhelm and crying in the car. By listening to the sad song. 

It's been too long from my last cry. Ahahha... I think I needed one. And that cry was not that bad. Except the headache after each cry. 

And now, I'm writing this just to make sure I am okay and my ommpa lommpa can function for the rest of the day. 

Missed the feeling of having someone to care about and cared by. Hope I can survive and probably found my partner in crime. 

Feeling is the beautiful thing but also the hardest thing to handle. 

Experience thought me to look for the better view and always have the positive side on everything that happens. 

It's midnight and I can't sleep. Suddenly, I have this weird feeling. It's kinda anxiety or anxious... I don't know.

Something happened at the office today and it strikes me hard. I felt mad, angry, disappointed and mostly speechless. Seems like I can't even do a simple thing. Is it my fault cause I do what is not mine? Is it my fault for not saying No? Is it my fault that I just follow orders? I feel so useless right now. Everything goes to me never ends well. It seems like it. Or It felt that way.

It feels like everyone need to redo on what I do cause I messed it up.

I feel betrayed by my own team and I feel so alone. Although it didn't really look like it. It just felt that way. 

I am disappointed.. Why don't u give this to the person that should be doing it. Why did u make me do it?? Why should I take the blame? Why there is no one take the blame??? Among all the one I go through. Why me that should be the villain? Am I so easy to be bullied? Is it fun to bully other people?

It's hurt and now I don't have anyone to talk too. Cause it's weekend and everyone got their own plans. I'm not gonna ruin it by pouring a black cloud with heavy rain on it. It will be selfish right?

I need my cat now. My tears won't stop and my head hurts cause I have to hold the crying and the runny nose. 

I don't know how to be a functioning human being. It is like running around without no ending. Never end routine.

2024 will end soon. And I'm in the third cycle of 12th. And I did not accomplish anything... 

My PE report have not finish

My trading acc in 90% loss

My emotion is numb or haywire (single) 

My cc debt is 90% max

My saving is decreasing

My cats haven't seen their vet this year

My car is more than 10 years old

I don't have any property 

My BMI is too high 

My life is a mess

I'm living in circle. Don't know where to go and what to do. 

Not sure what help do I need.. 

Don't know If I need help.. 

If I were to leave the earth this time.. I don't think I'm ready.. There is so much I want to achieve.. 

I want to have financial freedom. Don't have to work 8 to 5.. 

I want to bring my family to umrah or vacation.. My mum prefer umrah. 

I want to have new car

I want to have proper sanctuary for my beloved cat

I want to make my mum and dad happy and healthy 

I want to be fit and energetic

I want to have a partner in crime for anything

I want to ensure my soul got its food

I want to finish my PE report and get that engineer acknowledgement

I want to be able to help anyone in need

There is so much I want to do and there is so many obstacles that I have to face. 

Ya Allah, help this tiny broken human to fix her life and achieve her dreams. Help her to be strong to fight her own self. Help her to be able make her parents proud of her. Help her in anyway possible. Guide her. Let her always be in ur blessing.. 

My tears stopped already and I kinda sleepy. Hope my oompa oompa get the peace by writing it down and cry. 

Till we meet again. Not sure when.. 

Manis.... are you okay... why don't you eat your breakfast and dinner...

and you didn't even move when the car drove beside you...

when i pick you up, you seem grumpy.. and wont stop meowing.. im worried.. 

but then, you choose to just loaf on my bed.. i don't even see you groom today..

😔😔😔 Manis, pls be ok. 

No one perfect. including me. i am just a tiny human that trying to survive in this cruel world.

How and what can I do if I am keeping to feel guilty on myself. Is it feeling guilty..? I dont know either.

Just assume that feeling is a guilt and That feeling always. always eat me alive. always swing my mood. always sent the black cloud with lightning out of the blue. 

I cant live with this feeling everytime 'the lightning' strike. I'm gonna loose myself. I am not saying I am right. but am I wrong..? 

Sometimes, I dont know what's wrong with me. why cant I think about anything with clear mind... I guess I have to start exercise and do some training for my mental health. 

Whenever I felt the guilt. Overthinking wil come and make thing worse. There are times I think I let my Ego to do the speaking. and as everyone knows what happens when Ego take charge.

Along the way, I realise some points can trigger me. First, if I am too tired and lack of motivation on anything. 2nd, if its regarding what I like to do. 3rd, if I think they assuming things on what happens. 4th, not sure what, sometimes anything can b a trigger.

Please, I'm tired of this feeling, how can I stop feeling this way. I want to be happy and makes people happy, not the other way around.

I love all the people around me, I want to be this cool and chill person as I used to be. I think.