I don't know how to say it so, I wrote it down. It might be cliché, but it's me trying.. 

Dear My Beloved Friend,

I’ve been sitting with a lot of thoughts lately, and I just want to be honest, quietly, without pressure, and from the heart.

Something between us has felt different, and maybe you’ve felt it too. Or maybe it’s just me. I’m not sure. I don’t fully understand what changed, and I won’t pretend I have all the right words. I just know that I’ve truly valued the moments we’ve shared, your trust, your stories, your presence. They all meant something to me.

If there’s anything I said or did that ever made you feel uncomfortable or judged, I’m truly sorry. That was never my intention. I care.. and maybe I showed it in the wrong way… or maybe just at the wrong time. Plus, I admit I’m a bit of a joker deep inside.

I also know you might be going through a lot right now, and I believe that’s true. I sincerely hope you’re finding small moments of peace and strength for yourself. I know you’re strong.

I’m not writing this to ask for anything or make things heavier.. no expectations, no answers needed. I just wanted to express how I feel, and to let you know that I care. I’ll respect whatever space you need.

I don’t want to be another pressure in your life. But I want you to know, if you ever need me, whenever, whether now, later, or even just in thought.. I’m still here, and I always will be.

Thank you for the sweet moments. Especially when you called me your new BFF, I smiled from ear to ear like the Cheshire Cat. That meant a lot.

I hope this isn’t a goodbye, just the beginning of something new.

I’ll be okay. And I hope you will too.

Your dearest weird friend,

What is emotion...

Why is emotion very complicated... 

How does emotion works... 

When will emotion strike.. 

Who can control the emotion.. 

All the questions above has diff answers by diff people. For me, emotion is feeling that you can feel and recognise by ur brain. Emotion is complicated because there a lot of emotion. And this emotion can merge and become another emotion. It works when someone has been triggered by certain things which can lead for the person to feel the emotion. The thing that triggered can be from any event in the past, present or the future. And this emotion will strike when it's been suppress for quite sometimes. Just like volcano. But, if has been trained and managed properly, it won't explode as the volcano. Last question is about, who... Not many people can control the emotion, especially the babies, youngster.. For adult, some can and some cannot control their emotion. The issues come when the emotion is out of control. It can be over sad, over anger, over etc. etc. I'm not sure what else. 

And me, sometimes I failed to control and it overwhelmed my brain. As for now, my brain is overwhelming with the issues at the office today. And the question like 'did I upset her with my sentences' 'why did she act differently' and many other possible questions.

Apparently, I was the fall asleep while writing this post. Never got to the conclusion. It is what it is. 

Recently, I think it is true that I have issues with attachment.

No reply, No assurance, No update, just give my ommpa lommpa restless. The feeling of not knowing and the waiting game hurts me.

This one person which I just knew.. Also give an impact to me. It's just felt that I have to know what happened, and are they doing ok. But, its not really about are they OK or not, it's just... I need to know the condition whether busy, free, got something, attend wedding, family time, or etc. 

I just felt ignored, if I didn't know. I mean, it feels like leftover, outsider. 

Apart from the waiting game, it only apply to certain people which I thought is important as I thought they be. I'm not gonna wait if I got a little update earlier. It satisfied my ommpa lommpa if I knew. 

Feeling ignored is the worst if it's by the person you care about. I'm not gonna say love cause it's gonna hurt a bit more. (crying silently) 

It's maybe true that I need a therapist for my issues. 

p/s: please don't let my heart hurt. If you not gonna give me the little update, do not make me wants it. Don't give me all the color in the rainbow if you only can give me the black and white.. |

 

Today started with a little bit of light headache. But, nothing to worry cause it was due to the lack of sleep.

Today goes by too fast and my energy level has not been charged. It's draining faster than it recovered. I would like to take a day off just to sleep. But, it's not worth it. So, just go with the flow. 

The work day suppose to end with me training. But nope, it ends with feeling overwhelm and crying in the car. By listening to the sad song. 

It's been too long from my last cry. Ahahha... I think I needed one. And that cry was not that bad. Except the headache after each cry. 

And now, I'm writing this just to make sure I am okay and my ommpa lommpa can function for the rest of the day. 

Missed the feeling of having someone to care about and cared by. Hope I can survive and probably found my partner in crime. 

Feeling is the beautiful thing but also the hardest thing to handle. 

Experience thought me to look for the better view and always have the positive side on everything that happens. 

It's midnight and I can't sleep. Suddenly, I have this weird feeling. It's kinda anxiety or anxious... I don't know.

Something happened at the office today and it strikes me hard. I felt mad, angry, disappointed and mostly speechless. Seems like I can't even do a simple thing. Is it my fault cause I do what is not mine? Is it my fault for not saying No? Is it my fault that I just follow orders? I feel so useless right now. Everything goes to me never ends well. It seems like it. Or It felt that way.

It feels like everyone need to redo on what I do cause I messed it up.

I feel betrayed by my own team and I feel so alone. Although it didn't really look like it. It just felt that way. 

I am disappointed.. Why don't u give this to the person that should be doing it. Why did u make me do it?? Why should I take the blame? Why there is no one take the blame??? Among all the one I go through. Why me that should be the villain? Am I so easy to be bullied? Is it fun to bully other people?

It's hurt and now I don't have anyone to talk too. Cause it's weekend and everyone got their own plans. I'm not gonna ruin it by pouring a black cloud with heavy rain on it. It will be selfish right?

I need my cat now. My tears won't stop and my head hurts cause I have to hold the crying and the runny nose. 

I don't know how to be a functioning human being. It is like running around without no ending. Never end routine.

2024 will end soon. And I'm in the third cycle of 12th. And I did not accomplish anything... 

My PE report have not finish

My trading acc in 90% loss

My emotion is numb or haywire (single) 

My cc debt is 90% max

My saving is decreasing

My cats haven't seen their vet this year

My car is more than 10 years old

I don't have any property 

My BMI is too high 

My life is a mess

I'm living in circle. Don't know where to go and what to do. 

Not sure what help do I need.. 

Don't know If I need help.. 

If I were to leave the earth this time.. I don't think I'm ready.. There is so much I want to achieve.. 

I want to have financial freedom. Don't have to work 8 to 5.. 

I want to bring my family to umrah or vacation.. My mum prefer umrah. 

I want to have new car

I want to have proper sanctuary for my beloved cat

I want to make my mum and dad happy and healthy 

I want to be fit and energetic

I want to have a partner in crime for anything

I want to ensure my soul got its food

I want to finish my PE report and get that engineer acknowledgement

I want to be able to help anyone in need

There is so much I want to do and there is so many obstacles that I have to face. 

Ya Allah, help this tiny broken human to fix her life and achieve her dreams. Help her to be strong to fight her own self. Help her to be able make her parents proud of her. Help her in anyway possible. Guide her. Let her always be in ur blessing.. 

My tears stopped already and I kinda sleepy. Hope my oompa oompa get the peace by writing it down and cry. 

Till we meet again. Not sure when.. 

Manis.... are you okay... why don't you eat your breakfast and dinner...

and you didn't even move when the car drove beside you...

when i pick you up, you seem grumpy.. and wont stop meowing.. im worried.. 

but then, you choose to just loaf on my bed.. i don't even see you groom today..

😔😔😔 Manis, pls be ok. 

No one perfect. including me. i am just a tiny human that trying to survive in this cruel world.

How and what can I do if I am keeping to feel guilty on myself. Is it feeling guilty..? I dont know either.

Just assume that feeling is a guilt and That feeling always. always eat me alive. always swing my mood. always sent the black cloud with lightning out of the blue. 

I cant live with this feeling everytime 'the lightning' strike. I'm gonna loose myself. I am not saying I am right. but am I wrong..? 

Sometimes, I dont know what's wrong with me. why cant I think about anything with clear mind... I guess I have to start exercise and do some training for my mental health. 

Whenever I felt the guilt. Overthinking wil come and make thing worse. There are times I think I let my Ego to do the speaking. and as everyone knows what happens when Ego take charge.

Along the way, I realise some points can trigger me. First, if I am too tired and lack of motivation on anything. 2nd, if its regarding what I like to do. 3rd, if I think they assuming things on what happens. 4th, not sure what, sometimes anything can b a trigger.

Please, I'm tired of this feeling, how can I stop feeling this way. I want to be happy and makes people happy, not the other way around.

I love all the people around me, I want to be this cool and chill person as I used to be. I think. 

As usual, I will have this episode of emotion breakdown. And this episode hit me hard.. but not really, it just enough making me wanted to cry.

This wil always. always happens if there is a miscommunication between others. I hate it so much when there is a moment when I know I'm hurting someone. regardless of direct or indirect action of mine.

When the moment passed, I will have this rage  inside me that saying 'what have you done!!'. Then, everything just fell apart.

Seems like I am still at failed on controlling the mood swing or the rush of emotion when I'm having one. I am just a failure.. I am the worst.. I don't know anything.. I can't even understand myself.

However, this shall pass as the usual way it is. and as for now.. i just want to be in my cave together with all my furbabies.. so, adios. astalavista. 

It's been a while now.... I missed the moment. the feeling of togetherness. feeling of not being alone. i hope this is just a moment for some feeling to be felt and not something that i will crave later. although it felt like it. 

I hate it when I dont feel good about myself. Because I knew other things also affected. However, dont put the oil into the fire if you dont want the fire. put water instead. and some people just dont know how to just keep quiet.

Cant blame anyone cause the creature called homosapien never get enough. They never stop complaining and overthinking or worse.. presumption in anyway possible.

I dont like feeling like this. its tiring. its not that I choose to feel this way. give me space. give me moment. give me my time for me to digest things. I want some small amout of myself. Dont question why am I doing and not doing. 

Ask properly.. read the room. I am not teenager anymore. Am I wrong here? I couldn't have some moment of myself for me to just linger around. I've been thinking to get my own place. but... there is always a but. i dont want a 'but' when I am going to get myself of my own..

I love my cats. a lot. I've been spending more to my cats than anybody else. They give me clarity. They just want my love... They just want to cuddle.. They are innocent living creatures. I love them from back to the moon.

Things happened for a reason. Don't question why it happened just go with the flow. Things that happened might be giving you memories or something to learn from. Nothing is a waste. Take it although it is bitter than you can swallowed. everything in the mind..

Please be respectful towards other people's feeling and dont just assume things that yet to happen. If its happened, it happened. I will deal with it. if its not. just let it.

I feel very sleepy after writing this down. the rage feeling i felt also been tame down. I think I have to be writing to manage my inner rage that constantly come up without warning.

I just need to nap for 10 mins and I hope I will be okay after that. 

bye. 

It started on 21st March 2022. My sister having sort of symptoms such as sore throat and flu. We taught its a common flu because she always caught in flu sometimes. No one thought on the 'alien'.

On 22nd March 2022, I am going to work as usual and later in the afternoon, I got a text from my sister saying she is close contact for her sister in law. (she and her family always went to 'kampung' to visit the in laws on the weekend) 

Then, all of them went to pcr test. After a while the result mentioned positive for her and her husband, but not the kid.

So, we all are assuming the kid is free from the alien. Me, my dad and my mum took rtk test and everyone is negative. So, its decided that we will take care the kid until the parents finish quarantine. 

However, on the third day of quarantine the kid having mild fever and coughs. We gave him panadol for the fever. My sister advice to do rtk for him. I tried using lolipop kinda method but it failed. So the next day, I used diff method for the kid's rtk. After I successfully did the test, the result shows double line. 

There are so many puzzles on my head at that moment. How come he still got the alien.. the pcr should detect as early as it should be. but, then.. probably the kid haven't vaccine yet, so the symptoms went a bit late? or he got close contact from his parents? since the ct value of his parent quite low. maybe he got from them.. idk, but the case at that moment, the kid is positive. 

We all others got no symptom and already free as the rtk on day 3 is negative. But as the kid is with us since we are taking care of him, we are in the close contact status again. So we did the rtk again later that evening and turns out my dad also got double line..

As for now, only left me and my mom with single line. My head got additional puzzles and I just try my best to accommodate whoever quarantine.. The kid and my dad went upstairs together with other quarantine people. 

On Saturday (day 2 of 2nd close contact), I woke up. went to buy something for breakfast, then pasar minggu and mydin to buy groceries with my mum. Then, I clean the floor at kitchen and outside. In the evening, I went to laundry, to wash all the comforter that used by us few days back.

In the evening, i feel very tired and got a bit sore throat. Before having dinner, I did rtk with my mum and there is the fine double line for me... I feel devastated. I couldn't let my mum stay alone and prepare all the meal for us upstairs.. So, we decided. my mom to quarantine in the room and we will do all the things.

Soon at that night, everyone in the same floor again. all with mask on except the kid cause he cant stand on wearing mask. My dad walks around as if he didn't get infected. I told him dont go to mum's room cause you still day 3. The alien still actively running in the body.

My mum didn't say much and just wear her mask all around the house. at this time her rtk intake still single line. I am so proud of her.

Day by day goes by.. and my symptoms become a bit worse on the caughing. So, I decided to lock myself in the room. just go to the kitchen to take food and then isolate myself in the room again.. I cant think that much cause I feel very tired all the time. The one I worry about is my mom. 

On the i dont know how many days it has been, my mum rtk still single line. I am happy. I hope she will just stay as single line always. 

However, on my 5th day of being positive, my mum rtk shows a fine double line. I am devastated again. I really hope she is free and she can join the tadarus for Ramadhan as she mentioned before. 

As my mum didn't have any work to go to and she will not going anywhere, so, we just monitor her at home. where she can be as comfortable as she can. On the same day, got a news that my brother which is at his own house also got double line for the rtk. Today is day one for my brother and my mum. Hopefully we all can recovered from this unwanted invaders.

Ya Allah.... if this is a test for our family, help us to go through it and makes us accept this and be nearer to You. Ramadhan is near and hopefully this is a blessed for us all. 

Everything will be fine. I put all my family in Your hand, help us, guide us, and make us patience to go through this. Thank you Ya Allah. Only You is the best place for me to talk too.

I feel so much better now after writing it out. 

I dont know what is happening inside me. i suddenly become self annoyed and everything become wrong. I am trying not to be angry and trying so hard to figure out why am i behaving that way. i have no idea. and again.. i am hurting the person i love. i am very frustated with myself and I know am always not good enough.. some people say, outrage kid is because lack of love. am i that? but as i know. i am loved enough with all my surrounding. its just there are something bothering me. which i also didnt know what is it.

maybe, its my fault after all..

Sometimes.. people are selfish. its not directly show that he or she was selfish, but its just indirectly. If you known this person, they will always talk about something or someone. Then, they will give their own opinion on what, how, why of that situation. Later they didnt realize... they are doing the same thing that they 'commenting' to somebody else... so, for me.... we are just the same. and karma does exist. what comes around, goes around...sq

Hello there,

I just want to write something that is inside my brain. My ommpa lommpa might found this thing locked somewhere while doing some maintenance in the brain. They found it at the corner and a bit dusty on top.

That is my feeling which i locked in the pandora box. Feeling is the most scary things in the world yet the most beautiful things ever... I locked it because i dont want to get involve in any feeling's matter. Its tiring for my mental and emotion.

I am an enginner and my work is more to solve the problem. although the problem is not mine. I have to solve it so that i can move on. However, it depends on how the person with that problem take my advise.. Sometimes, I will feel frustrated and useless if i cant do anything to fix or solve the problem.. Although actually that person did not really need an advise. they just need a channel to potray their feeling and the channel is me..

I am okay to be someone's channel. but sometimes, I also need my own channel for me to potray my feeling.. and I dont have that now...

Hello there.. anyone. especially you, my honey bee.. 😚

Suddenly I feel that I need to blog this thing. Before I forgot all the details. ahahaha.. 😁

This post is about that demanding lady from KL. Remember her..? ahahha.. I bet you do. 😂😂 Okay. here we go.

Since that day, she lives in that house alone 👀. No one wants to accompany her because of what she did and other factor as well as security, traffic jam and that place itself looks spooky. 💁

So last month, my two friends.. are helping hand to find a different place, which is less spooky, feels a lot like home 🏠, and also near to their office 🏢. Since they are in the same section, and these two also need a place to stay or crash because both of their houses are too far from the office 😧.

Then, after tired of waiting 😥, just last week the new proposed apartment has been approved 😊. Here, the drama begins. ahahaha... 😂.

Lets go back to that demand lady. After she knew that apartment has been approved and she got the key, she already started her demand list 📝.

💥First, she wanted to ask driver to help her to move the washing machine from inside to outside of the house. 😩 (someone said to her we can move it by ourselves, its not that hard...)
💥Second, she did asked about microwave and pot or cooker from our admin. admin said no.. cant demand more. (there is a stove already been provided, just buy a simple pot to cook then.. 😧)
💥Third, she mentioned that there is no place to hang a cloth outside the house such as the place to do your laundry👗. (you are an engineer, think! i feel ashamed being an engineer bcoz of her.. 😬)
💥Fourth, she complaint about the tv... 📺 she said that the screen is smaller then her pc monitor..💻!!!! What?? what???? 😲 omg...!! I had enough! 😤

I cant stand with her demand's list anymore😷. I think if no one asked her to shut... the list will be longer and become more ridiculous! 😨. What the heck man.. why.. why you need to behave like this. I am emotionally tired💆.

STOP DEMANDING!!! 😫. That house is perfect already. very near to the office 🌇, there is no more spooky sound 👂, the security is okay🔐, the house is fully furnished since all the basic appliances are there.. 🏣 what else do you want..!😓 maigad! can you sit for a minute, take a deep breath and just be grateful for what has been provided. not to find what else is not in there and complaint. 😵... jeeeezz... 😬

Enough is enough. please be more matured and think how to survive, not to be survived.. 😶 Life is sometimes unfair but that is life. If life is fair, there is nothing to achieve and strive... 😏

Okay... That is a long post.. I cant write it any longer cause I might puke by myself on thinking of this drama 😷..

Good night b. Hope you enjoy reading my miserable drama.

your beloved 🍎..

Please. just tell me what to do. im stupid enough to take this by myself. Saying that you love me not gonna change the situation. Just tell me what to do...

I dont know what is happening to me.... I dont feel so good. I cant stand the stupid jokes anymore. why.... what is happening now.. There is so many things in my head. But, the main point is.. i cant control the temper. I hate that when i loose control. i'll tend to say some hurtful things which i didnt mean to..

what am i thinking.... i dont know what i actually want. maybe, I want to be happy.. how to happy? i want to be free of debt. i want to be independent. i want my freedom. i want my money increasing. i want to live a full life. i want to take care of my family. i want to be there for anyone i cared. i want to be good in what i do..

i feel so stupid. i am demotivated. i cant keep on thinking like this.. Ya Allah... i may seek your help.. only You know what is happening to me and everything that behind it... please give me peaceful in my heart.. keep me sane in anything i do, keep my parents healthy and great wisdom and also please ease my debt..

I want to be consistance in keeping myself healthy again.. i need to be healthy and happy again. Amirah. please  keep your head up and do not lose hope.. be patience.. everything gonna be okay...

I was so tired today. maybe because of fasting since i havent fasting much lately. so... the hunger is different from usual.

Not much for today's work. i just prepare my minutes for yesterday and now. its in ww's hand. she wants to check everything and maybe she thinks she need to. let her be. if she want to check. just give it to her. i dont give a damn about it.

Another thing that i did for today was the report. this report really took my head of. there is too many conflict about it and i am tired of all that. never ending story. why dont we come up with one solution which can be followed by everyone. most of the staff here is the engineer and engineer suppose to solve the problm. not create the new one.

I wanted to write something but my eyes is really sleepy. i couldnt stand it any longer. so, before my hp slam on to my face, better i put it down first.

so. good night!

I have a mix feeling for today. For some reason, I suddenly felt that I have no one. Its not that I dont have my friend or family. they are still here. always be with me. What i mean is someone that you can tell everything about. when you are happy, or sad, or freakin stress... And of course vise versa.

It sounds like i want to be in a relationship, right? ahahaha. but, no. actually. i dont know. i will turn down all guys that ever came to me. bcoz, there is one feeling that always said, 'do you really want to be with that person?' then, i'll push that guy away.

I cant understand myself either. i do hope someone can help me to understand myself better. before this, i dont have to think who i want to call and share my stories.. i always have someone in mind. however.. now, i have to scroll my contact list and found no one i can call and share my day with... its frustating. but. what to do.. life isnt fair.

I dont feel so good for tonight... Its hard to let go things that you are not ready to let go. But, its okay... all is well.. although life is not fair, Allah will always fair. He knew what is the best and He knew why I need to feel this way... I just have to be patience and have some faith...