It's midnight and I can't sleep. Suddenly, I have this weird feeling. It's kinda anxiety or anxious... I don't know.

Something happened at the office today and it strikes me hard. I felt mad, angry, disappointed and mostly speechless. Seems like I can't even do a simple thing. Is it my fault cause I do what is not mine? Is it my fault for not saying No? Is it my fault that I just follow orders? I feel so useless right now. Everything goes to me never ends well. It seems like it. Or It felt that way.

It feels like everyone need to redo on what I do cause I messed it up.

I feel betrayed by my own team and I feel so alone. Although it didn't really look like it. It just felt that way. 

I am disappointed.. Why don't u give this to the person that should be doing it. Why did u make me do it?? Why should I take the blame? Why there is no one take the blame??? Among all the one I go through. Why me that should be the villain? Am I so easy to be bullied? Is it fun to bully other people?

It's hurt and now I don't have anyone to talk too. Cause it's weekend and everyone got their own plans. I'm not gonna ruin it by pouring a black cloud with heavy rain on it. It will be selfish right?

I need my cat now. My tears won't stop and my head hurts cause I have to hold the crying and the runny nose. 

I don't know how to be a functioning human being. It is like running around without no ending. Never end routine.

2024 will end soon. And I'm in the third cycle of 12th. And I did not accomplish anything... 

My PE report have not finish

My trading acc in 90% loss

My emotion is numb or haywire (single) 

My cc debt is 90% max

My saving is decreasing

My cats haven't seen their vet this year

My car is more than 10 years old

I don't have any property 

My BMI is too high 

My life is a mess

I'm living in circle. Don't know where to go and what to do. 

Not sure what help do I need.. 

Don't know If I need help.. 

If I were to leave the earth this time.. I don't think I'm ready.. There is so much I want to achieve.. 

I want to have financial freedom. Don't have to work 8 to 5.. 

I want to bring my family to umrah or vacation.. My mum prefer umrah. 

I want to have new car

I want to have proper sanctuary for my beloved cat

I want to make my mum and dad happy and healthy 

I want to be fit and energetic

I want to have a partner in crime for anything

I want to ensure my soul got its food

I want to finish my PE report and get that engineer acknowledgement

I want to be able to help anyone in need

There is so much I want to do and there is so many obstacles that I have to face. 

Ya Allah, help this tiny broken human to fix her life and achieve her dreams. Help her to be strong to fight her own self. Help her to be able make her parents proud of her. Help her in anyway possible. Guide her. Let her always be in ur blessing.. 

My tears stopped already and I kinda sleepy. Hope my oompa oompa get the peace by writing it down and cry. 

Till we meet again. Not sure when.. 

Manis.... are you okay... why don't you eat your breakfast and dinner...

and you didn't even move when the car drove beside you...

when i pick you up, you seem grumpy.. and wont stop meowing.. im worried.. 

but then, you choose to just loaf on my bed.. i don't even see you groom today..

😔😔😔 Manis, pls be ok. 

No one perfect. including me. i am just a tiny human that trying to survive in this cruel world.

How and what can I do if I am keeping to feel guilty on myself. Is it feeling guilty..? I dont know either.

Just assume that feeling is a guilt and That feeling always. always eat me alive. always swing my mood. always sent the black cloud with lightning out of the blue. 

I cant live with this feeling everytime 'the lightning' strike. I'm gonna loose myself. I am not saying I am right. but am I wrong..? 

Sometimes, I dont know what's wrong with me. why cant I think about anything with clear mind... I guess I have to start exercise and do some training for my mental health. 

Whenever I felt the guilt. Overthinking wil come and make thing worse. There are times I think I let my Ego to do the speaking. and as everyone knows what happens when Ego take charge.

Along the way, I realise some points can trigger me. First, if I am too tired and lack of motivation on anything. 2nd, if its regarding what I like to do. 3rd, if I think they assuming things on what happens. 4th, not sure what, sometimes anything can b a trigger.

Please, I'm tired of this feeling, how can I stop feeling this way. I want to be happy and makes people happy, not the other way around.

I love all the people around me, I want to be this cool and chill person as I used to be. I think. 

As usual, I will have this episode of emotion breakdown. And this episode hit me hard.. but not really, it just enough making me wanted to cry.

This wil always. always happens if there is a miscommunication between others. I hate it so much when there is a moment when I know I'm hurting someone. regardless of direct or indirect action of mine.

When the moment passed, I will have this rage  inside me that saying 'what have you done!!'. Then, everything just fell apart.

Seems like I am still at failed on controlling the mood swing or the rush of emotion when I'm having one. I am just a failure.. I am the worst.. I don't know anything.. I can't even understand myself.

However, this shall pass as the usual way it is. and as for now.. i just want to be in my cave together with all my furbabies.. so, adios. astalavista. 

It's been a while now.... I missed the moment. the feeling of togetherness. feeling of not being alone. i hope this is just a moment for some feeling to be felt and not something that i will crave later. although it felt like it. 

I hate it when I dont feel good about myself. Because I knew other things also affected. However, dont put the oil into the fire if you dont want the fire. put water instead. and some people just dont know how to just keep quiet.

Cant blame anyone cause the creature called homosapien never get enough. They never stop complaining and overthinking or worse.. presumption in anyway possible.

I dont like feeling like this. its tiring. its not that I choose to feel this way. give me space. give me moment. give me my time for me to digest things. I want some small amout of myself. Dont question why am I doing and not doing. 

Ask properly.. read the room. I am not teenager anymore. Am I wrong here? I couldn't have some moment of myself for me to just linger around. I've been thinking to get my own place. but... there is always a but. i dont want a 'but' when I am going to get myself of my own..

I love my cats. a lot. I've been spending more to my cats than anybody else. They give me clarity. They just want my love... They just want to cuddle.. They are innocent living creatures. I love them from back to the moon.

Things happened for a reason. Don't question why it happened just go with the flow. Things that happened might be giving you memories or something to learn from. Nothing is a waste. Take it although it is bitter than you can swallowed. everything in the mind..

Please be respectful towards other people's feeling and dont just assume things that yet to happen. If its happened, it happened. I will deal with it. if its not. just let it.

I feel very sleepy after writing this down. the rage feeling i felt also been tame down. I think I have to be writing to manage my inner rage that constantly come up without warning.

I just need to nap for 10 mins and I hope I will be okay after that. 

bye. 

It started on 21st March 2022. My sister having sort of symptoms such as sore throat and flu. We taught its a common flu because she always caught in flu sometimes. No one thought on the 'alien'.

On 22nd March 2022, I am going to work as usual and later in the afternoon, I got a text from my sister saying she is close contact for her sister in law. (she and her family always went to 'kampung' to visit the in laws on the weekend) 

Then, all of them went to pcr test. After a while the result mentioned positive for her and her husband, but not the kid.

So, we all are assuming the kid is free from the alien. Me, my dad and my mum took rtk test and everyone is negative. So, its decided that we will take care the kid until the parents finish quarantine. 

However, on the third day of quarantine the kid having mild fever and coughs. We gave him panadol for the fever. My sister advice to do rtk for him. I tried using lolipop kinda method but it failed. So the next day, I used diff method for the kid's rtk. After I successfully did the test, the result shows double line. 

There are so many puzzles on my head at that moment. How come he still got the alien.. the pcr should detect as early as it should be. but, then.. probably the kid haven't vaccine yet, so the symptoms went a bit late? or he got close contact from his parents? since the ct value of his parent quite low. maybe he got from them.. idk, but the case at that moment, the kid is positive. 

We all others got no symptom and already free as the rtk on day 3 is negative. But as the kid is with us since we are taking care of him, we are in the close contact status again. So we did the rtk again later that evening and turns out my dad also got double line..

As for now, only left me and my mom with single line. My head got additional puzzles and I just try my best to accommodate whoever quarantine.. The kid and my dad went upstairs together with other quarantine people. 

On Saturday (day 2 of 2nd close contact), I woke up. went to buy something for breakfast, then pasar minggu and mydin to buy groceries with my mum. Then, I clean the floor at kitchen and outside. In the evening, I went to laundry, to wash all the comforter that used by us few days back.

In the evening, i feel very tired and got a bit sore throat. Before having dinner, I did rtk with my mum and there is the fine double line for me... I feel devastated. I couldn't let my mum stay alone and prepare all the meal for us upstairs.. So, we decided. my mom to quarantine in the room and we will do all the things.

Soon at that night, everyone in the same floor again. all with mask on except the kid cause he cant stand on wearing mask. My dad walks around as if he didn't get infected. I told him dont go to mum's room cause you still day 3. The alien still actively running in the body.

My mum didn't say much and just wear her mask all around the house. at this time her rtk intake still single line. I am so proud of her.

Day by day goes by.. and my symptoms become a bit worse on the caughing. So, I decided to lock myself in the room. just go to the kitchen to take food and then isolate myself in the room again.. I cant think that much cause I feel very tired all the time. The one I worry about is my mom. 

On the i dont know how many days it has been, my mum rtk still single line. I am happy. I hope she will just stay as single line always. 

However, on my 5th day of being positive, my mum rtk shows a fine double line. I am devastated again. I really hope she is free and she can join the tadarus for Ramadhan as she mentioned before. 

As my mum didn't have any work to go to and she will not going anywhere, so, we just monitor her at home. where she can be as comfortable as she can. On the same day, got a news that my brother which is at his own house also got double line for the rtk. Today is day one for my brother and my mum. Hopefully we all can recovered from this unwanted invaders.

Ya Allah.... if this is a test for our family, help us to go through it and makes us accept this and be nearer to You. Ramadhan is near and hopefully this is a blessed for us all. 

Everything will be fine. I put all my family in Your hand, help us, guide us, and make us patience to go through this. Thank you Ya Allah. Only You is the best place for me to talk too.

I feel so much better now after writing it out.